


free will

by redsahara



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst, Codependency, Emotional Hurt, He needs therapy asap, Hurt No Comfort, Inferiority Complex, Insecurity, Kages vs his own emotions, Kageyama doesn't want to be abandoned again, Kageyama's POV, M/M, No Dialogue, Self-Esteem Issues, ambiguous ending, basically just a really long drabble tbh, first names used throughout, just kages trying to wrap his head around everything, letting go, little story, no beta we die like daichi, possessive thoughts, third person internal monologue
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-10
Updated: 2021-02-10
Packaged: 2021-03-15 01:54:36
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,815
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29306067
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/redsahara/pseuds/redsahara
Summary: it was time for tobio to accept that shouyou was human too; one with his own free will.—after spring nationals, the fact atsumu promised to take shouyou away from him and become his setter dug at tobio's psyche until the fateful day finally came and he was forced to face his worst nightmare.tobio didn't know who he was without shouyou, after all.
Relationships: Hinata Shouyou/Kageyama Tobio, Hinata Shouyou/Miya Atsumu
Comments: 3
Kudos: 32





	free will

**Author's Note:**

> hello! this is my first work in this fandom and i am working on writing more at the time of posting this. i kinda wrote kages ooc a bit but i think it turned out good despite that. anyway, enjoy!! :D

Winning isn’t always free; Tobio knew that. He knew that sometimes the greatest victories can lead to the most disastrous tragedies, he just never expected that rule to apply to volleyball. It was nationals, and with a crowd so loud and even louder teammates celebrating behind him, he didn’t expect the worst; why would he? They had done what they had been training to do since getting to Karasuno. This was the end goal, wasn’t it? To him it definitely was, at least until the next year started and it was back to square one. For now he was content with grabbing Shouyou and carrying him over to celebrate with their team, he didn’t particularly want to stop for the Miya twin standing behind them, staring at his partner expectantly. 

Tobio looked on as the blonde pointed to the middle blocker beside him. His vision had been hazy since the set had finally ended, but he doesn’t think he had ever heard something so clearly in his life. 

“One day, I’m gonna set for you.” 

He said it so declaratively like he was one hundred percent sure he would take Kageyama’s place. The thought of that made Tobio’s blood run cold; no one could replace him. Shouyou needed him, he promised that he did. He promised that Shouyou was unstoppable when by his side, there was no way this guy could waltz into his life and force him to break that promise. Shouyou didn’t need him the way he needed Tobio. He knew that the spiker knew that as well, but that didn’t stop his heart from momentarily stopping when he saw the way the ginger boy gawked at Atsumu as he walked away. 

_ ‘That wasn’t a look of admiration.’  _ He told himself once, then again, then three times more. 

  
  


__

  
  


It didn’t take him long to learn that winning or losing, everything has a cost. That’s how life worked. You’re always losing something whether that be money, love, or pride. It didn’t matter; it was a law of nature. 

He thought about it all throughout their victory dinner and it kept him up that night too. Tobio saw the way Shouyou looked at him and the way Atsumu held himself. It was like they were both so entirely sure that what he had declared would become reality. It didn’t matter how long it took; it would happen, and they both knew it. Maybe Tobio knew it as well and that’s where these tears came from. 

He looked out at the vastness of the city through his highrise hotel room window. The small buildings and ant sized cars and people that roamed the streets at two am eerily reminded him of himself. He remembered how small he felt before he became Shouyou’s partner. All the trauma from being abandoned by his teammates in middle school to when he wasn’t accepted into any of his top choices for high school, it all flooded back to him, leaving a stinging reminder on his heart that he was nothing without that kid. It didn’t matter if Shouyou was the one who caused him the most unease with his excessive extrovertedness and obnoxious behavior, because Shouyou made Tobio. Tobio owed him everything, and he wanted to give him everything; but all Shouyou wanted was a setter, and if that’s what he wanted, Tobio would give his all into becoming the best setter in the world just to please him. 

Maybe then, Shouyou will forget Atsumu’s offer entirely and never want to leave him. Maybe then, Shouyou will realize he needs Tobio the way Tobio needs him. Then all of the pieces will fall together and they’ll live happily ever after until they die and go to volleyball heaven where they can continue to be partners until the end of eternity. That sounded nice. It was all Tobio could ever ask for. 

It was still hard to admit it to himself, even if he knew how much he truly cared for the stupid little shrimp. He wished that he didn’t complete him so well so maybe the offer would mean nothing to him, but he couldn’t deny it. He needed Shouyou Hinata; he was his last missing piece in the puzzle of his life. He couldn’t just take it apart and start over once he had finally been completed after all these years. The fear of being torn apart after trying so hard to put himself together was overwhelming. 

The thought of being alone in this world without Shouyou was daunting. It felt more like losing a limb than a friend. At least with losing a friend you could technically move on with life as normal, but when it came to the relationship between Tobio and Shouyou, it was completely different. It would be like trying to walk through a crowd having amputated one of your legs; basically impossible and completely dangerous.

__

  
  


It’s been a few months now, but still, Tobio would never admit how that one single phrase affected him. It was too embarrassing to admit how that stupid blonde got under his skin, or even worse, that he needed Shouyou. It was something he always knew, no matter how hard he tried to repress it. Everytime he thought he had successfully swallowed the feeling that Shouyou was a part of him, he’d always end up choking it back up the moment he saw that stupid tuft of orange hair again. He hated that he knew he needed Shouyou; it made him feel weak and incomplete. Shouyou was the one who made Tobio a great player, without him, he’d be on the bench sulking while Koushi took his place. He may have not been as naturally talented as Tobio, but at least he was his own person. That was something Tobio would envy the rest of his team for for the rest of his life. 

Now that he thought about it, he never really stopped thinking about what Atsumu said. He knew he shouldn’t care about it that much, after all, it really had nothing to do with Tobio. It was all about Shouyou;  _ fucking Shouyou _ … 

It wasn’t fair! Shouyou was only half of their whole, so why did everyone look at him like he was God’s greatest creation while paying him no mind at all. Sure, he had been acknowledged for his setting skills, but even now, after winning Nationals, he was still either seen as king of the court or as the thing that got the ball to their star; his other half. He wished he was more; he wanted to be more. But deep down he knew he was just Shouyou’s not-so secret weapon, and that is all he ever would be. 

He looked out at the court in front of him, empty besides a net, a fresh basket of volleyballs and his other half staring back at him with the sincere, excitable grin he always wore when they did tosses together. It gave him momentarily, empty hope that maybe this could be forever, but the feeling quickly shook from his system when he thought he began to see Atsumu fade into existence beside him. He shakes his head and reaches for a ball from the basket, tossing it over to Hitoka before rushing onto the court and over to his spot on the court so he could begin to practice setting to Shouyou. Something he had done a million times by now, but the feeling never changed from the first time he did it. It always gave him a rush to be able to make a perfect set, especially since they had grown so much together a fluke was rare. 

It reminded him just how much he was going to miss this when the time came. He would either have to give up on this dream and begin somewhere else as someone else or he would have to start this path he had paved in volleyball all over again with a different spiker by his side. Both ideas sent disgusting shivers down his spine; neither choice seemed to be particularly appetizing. On one hand, doing anything but volleyball seemed like a waste of time since volleyball was what he had based his entire life and identity around, but on the other continuing without the one that reignited that spark in him that never fails to make him feel alive just to replace him with someone who could never feel the same felt just as compromising. 

It felt to him like a life without Shouyou by his side would always be a waste no matter what he did.

At least he had time. He had time to forget that highschool wasn’t forever and he could just pretend that Shouyou was his till the end of time. Shouyou was  _ his  _ spiker and only  _ his.  _ No one was allowed to take that away from him, at least not yet. He wasn’t ready to be incomplete again. There wasn’t enough time in the universe that would be enough to have Shouyou all to himself, but he could at least pretend it was. He could cherish the moment with him and pretend the ticking of the clock counting down to his incompleteness wasn’t seeming getting faster by the second. 

That would bring him the peace he needed, even if it was just for now. 

  
  


__

  
  


The closer graduation came, the more on edge Tobio got. He was looking left, right and center for any excuse he could find to make Shouyou change his mind, but it seems like his mind was already set. The knowledge crawled at his skin despite knowing from the start that this was going to happen. 

He had no clue what to do with himself the days leading up to the last day. There was so much and so little to do at the same time. On one hand he could get on his knees and beg for him to stay; but he had also grown to realize over the years that he didn’t want to limit the poor boy. Through everything they’d gone through, he’d realized and learned so much about him that even if he couldn’t bear the thought of losing him, he simultaneously would never forgive himself for holding down a bird who was obviously destined to fly. Tobio’s wings were clipped from the get go, he didn’t want to subject his other half to that pain as well. 

Shouyou was meant to be bigger than him, even if he didn’t want to admit it. It makes him laugh at his younger self for being so blind to the kind of person Shouyou truly was. Short, yes, but wise beyond what he would ever be given credit for and far more gifted than anyone who will ever grace a volleyball court in the coming future. Shouyou was this breed that no one could truly pinpoint, but everyone was grateful to get a taste of no matter which side of the court they stood. There was never going to be someone better than him, and that comforted the idea of the inevitably of living in the 5’4 boy’s shadow, because at least in his shadow, he would still be present. There, with him, no matter what. 

He wanted to stop Shouyou, but he knew deep down he couldn’t. It wouldn’t be right nor fair to him after all he had been working toward his entire life. He tried several times to look at himself in the mirror and say that it was only natural that he would grow out of him and eventually search for bigger and better, but he had a hard time admitting that anything could ever be better than what they had together. He couldn’t seem to say, out loud, that someone could set to Shouyou the way he could, let alone better. Deep down, he didn’t believe himself. How could he? He had been the one who saw this boy grow more than anyone else ever will. He saw him go from absolutely nothing to being the greatest anyone will ever be. No one else will ever get the pleasure to see the blood sweat and tears that made Hinata Shouyou, not even him to its full extent, but he had seen more than any other setter would. That proved to Tobio that no one else would ever be worthy of someone like Shouyou, because not even he was all that worthy. He was lucky for his glimpse, and he never wanted to let those memories fade with someone new. 

But there was something looming over him and his thoughts everyday, waiting for Tobio to finally let it sink in and crush him. He didn’t want to think about it, it hurt more than Atsumu’s words ever did and that made him want to bury the thought forever. 

_ It didn’t matter if Tobio waited his whole life for Shouyou, because Shouyou was his own before he was ever Tobio’s.  _

It wasn’t like he was wrong, in fact, he was entirely right. Before anyone else, Shouyou belonged to himself and no one else. He was human, despite how Tobio liked to think of him on a pedestal, and was fully in charge of his life decision. Tobio couldn’t decide what he wanted, and if he didn’t want Tobio, he couldn’t force him to even if he wanted to. Shouyou was his own person with his own free will; he could leave Tobio in the dust and never look back just because he wanted to and there was nothing Tobio could do about it because Tobio was also only human and not his puppet master. There was no convincing someone if he had already made up his mind, and something in Tobio told him that he already did. 

Knowing there was nothing to do that would guarantee a win over Shouyou’s heart made him feel hopeless at keeping him. He started having nightmares about it in the days leading up to their permanent high school departure, and his living reality wasn’t helping ease his mind. Shouyou had become secretive about his future endeavours, something that was completely unlike him. He asked Tadashi and he told him that it was because Tobio got upset whenever he started talking about his future after high school, which wasn’t entirely incorrect. It's not that he wanted to shut Shouyou up, it was just that it hurt to listen. 

He thinks about how he used to daydream about playing volleyball with Shouyou all the way into the afterlife so they could always be soulmates to the sport for the rest of eternity. What once was a comforting glance into an ideal future was suddenly and quickly turning bleak. With more and more of his time running out with the spiker, the more he realized that even in eternity, he would still be running out of time. Every second that passed, every joke told and ball set, he was constantly losing more and more time to the will of the universe. Eventually, eternity would run out and his broken soul would be left alone once more to disintegrate into an official nothingness. 

He started wondering if maybe it was better to give him up early so it would save him the heartbreak once the afterlife had collapsed at some mystical will of the universe. After all, there was value in being ahead of the clock. The quicker you get the heartbreak over with, the less amount of your life you'll waste being hurt. 

  
  
  


__

  
  
  


Seven years crawled by like an eternity truly had passed without Shouyou. Sure, he had fun in his time being on the same team as old rival. Getting to know them and their playing style was an incredibly rewarding experience; one he doesn't think he will ever forget. 

One thing remained missing, though. 

He couldn't name one day that had passed in 7 years that he did miss Shouyou. It was pathetic if you asked him. He felt like a total simp for someone who was never truly his. It may have taken him his whole high school experience and then some to realize it, and it may have hit him like a train to finally come to terms with it, but by now he had finally come to realize Shouyou wasn't his; he never truly was. Perhaps it was the time apart and the fact he was always on Tobio's mind in one way or another, but he was able to see that didn't need Shouyou to be happy, right?

Well... kinda. It’s complicated. 

Life wasn’t as hard as he had imagined without him. He was still able to enjoy himself, but he would be lying if he said he had fully gotten used to life without him. He still couldn’t walk into practice without getting shocked his former partner wasn’t there with him. He still raced places even if he knew no one was running with him. He thought maybe that was the reason he was happy; because even without Shouyou there, he pretended he was. So he didn’t technically need Shouyou to be there, he just needed to pretend he was to function. 

But now looking into the face of the storm that threw his entire life off course, he felt like all these past years had been a lie. Looking at Shouyou in the flesh after all these years felt like a fresh punch to the gut, and the fact that he stood in the same uniform as the smirking Miya twin beside him might as well have knocked him unconscious. He wished it did so he didn’t have to see them together.

He couldn’t remember who he had been speaking to or if he had been speaking at all, all he could think about was how heavy in grief his heart felt as it sank from his chest to his stomach. The sight of them together, seeming so happy just standing next to each other served as a reminder to Tobio that he lost. He gave up too early and this was the consequence; seeing his former partner become something like a stranger to Tobio. It was hard to see how easy it was for Shouyou to have moved on. 

He tried to remind himself that there was nothing he could do, and that this is what he should have wanted for his spiker anyway. He wanted Shouyou to soar and become the star he was destined to be, so why did it hurt to see him doing that. Why was he just now taking back the words that he meant for so long. It was because he was selfish, and he didn’t want him to fly without him. This wasn’t even living in Shouyou’s shadow at this point, because, quite frankly, they were in two different forests navigating through two different sets of trees. 

He wished that that face had been a stranger from the start so it didn’t remind him how much he missed it, because now that he has, his recovery process has gone from the middle of the mountain all the way back down to square one. That face could kill, but the memories they held were even deadlier. 

After he realized how much pain just being in his presence again caused him, he tried re-convince himself that he didn’t need Shouyou. He had gone all this time growing more and more comfortable with the thought that maybe he was actually his own person and that his abandonment issues was the one telling him that he needed Shouyou to feel whole, but that smile tore all of that reasoning apart and now all he wanted to do was reach out and touch him. Maybe then Shouyou would be so kind to donate some of himself to Tobio so he could feel a little more complete than he had throughout these years apart. It was so hard to resist the temptation since his body screamed at him to move closer and closer until there was no room for Shouyou to escape and leave him again, but the fear of resentment from his other half froze him in place, keeping his instincts in check. 

It wasn’t fair. How could Shouyou be complete without him? How was it possible that he was perfectly content and happy to be spiking for someone new when deep down he should know that no one would ever have the magic they did together. It was mind boggling that somehow Tobio wasn’t storing some part of Shouyou in himself somewhere that the ginger could only access in his presence. How is it that Tobio was the only one of the two who needed the other?

After a brief conversation with the new setter and wing spiker duo, Tobio couldn’t take being here anymore. He ran off through the crowds of people, abandoning his team behind him. He doesn’t think he could bear to speak right now, let alone do an entire game where the only way to win is through dedicated communication. He just needed some time to cool off and wrap his head around his emotions, then he would be good to go and he could go back to his team and do what they were here to do. 

He could win, even without Shouyou. He could do it, he knew he could, so why was his brain telling him that it was impossible all of the sudden? Was it because now that it was Shouyou that would be standing on the other side of the court this time instead of some other player that Tobio couldn’t care less about or was it that he knew he had curated a monster of a player in his high school career and that Shouyou had only gotten better from there. There was a real possibility that Shouyou had become unbeatable, I mean, In Tobio’s eyes, he had already been the perfect player the day he left him, but knowing what he could do now sent shivers down his spine. He would be crushed today, he just knew it. 

As his thoughts swirled back into place and his mind had settled back down there was only one thing on his mind. It was the one thing he promised he would tell Shouyou. It was his new promise to him; a declaration that was sure to blow Atsumu’s out of the water. He took a sigh as he removed his gaze from the grass he had been staring at for the past however long and looked out at the setting sun with a look of contentment plastering on his face. 

  
“Shouyou Hinata, I will be your setter again, and once I am, you will be better than unstoppable. It'll make you and I the real, true,  _ Kings of the court _ ; just like you’ve always wanted.” 


End file.
